What a double header! On September 13th, the Horrors took on the Nutcrackers, and the Cosmonaughties went up against the Wicked Pissahs.


The Nutcrackers’ Señora Slaughter became the first lead jammer of the night, beating out Flyin’ King and scoring two points. Next up, the Horrors formed a tight wall to hold back Nuts jammer Haddie Collider, and Horrors co-captain MC Slamher got a power jam while Haddie went to the penalty box. Jam two was fast and exciting; both teams’ defense put jammers through the wringer and the score skyrocketed to 22-2, with the Arkham Horrors in the lead. Twenty-two points in one jam! Horrors defense continued to shine but couldn’t hold back Nuts jammer Womanimal from making several scoring passes. She sliced through the pack like a hot knife through butter, scoring 31 points!

The Horrors got a power jam when Dottie Danger went to the penalty box, and Flyin’ King swept through and scored eleven points. The Horrors showed off some very effective blocking strategies, like when America Ferocious, Captain Hook, and Haley Contagious formed a stable 3-woman wall with 4th blocker Rainbow Crash in the back taking the brunt of the jammer’s force.

We saw some accidental Horror-on-Horror action while Tiger was jamming, but that didn’t get in the way of either team racking up more points. There was lovely backwards blocking by Nutcracker Mandoline Slicer in the 8th jam, while Womanimal charged through.

In the 9th, Horror America Ferocious got lead jammer with Haddie hot on her tail, too close for America’s comfort apparently because she called it off quickly with the score still hovering around 53-46, Horrors.

KC Wastem got caught in a nasty hug by the Nuts Blockers, including EM Nasty and co-captain Smackarena, while Señora Slaughter raced ahead racking up crazy amounts of points, bringing the score up to 62-53, Nuts.

In jam 12, Horror Flyin’ King got a sweet power jam on a technicality which sent the Nutcracker jammer to the box, and the Horrors reclaimed the lead.

In the 14th, lead jammer Señora Slaughter came up against a hard wall, bounced right off of it, and kept going to score two points to the Horrors’ one.

The walls were strong, and we saw both jammers throwing themselves mightily against blockers, attempting to score. In beautiful offensive blocking, Dottie Danger bashed up the Horrors pack just in time for Señora Slaughter to slide through. Danger took the star pass and juked past Haley Contagious, who nearly knocked Dottie out on her next pass – another big jam, and the Nutcrackers claimed the lead: 93-85.

The Horrors defense was on point and the Nutcrackers’ jammers must have been frustrated by all the runbacks. However, Planitz Collide did her best to keep the Horrors busy while Dottie Danger power jammed her way through jam 21, racking up a ton of points (34 in one jam!) and extending the Nuts’ lead to 131-88.


The Nuts got first blood in the second half, as blockers Reckless Rehab and Mandoline Slicer held back the Horrors’ jammer while Señora Slaughter skated ahead and scored.

Arkham Horror MC Slamher got a fifteen point power jam in the 27th, tightening the score to 137-107. Next we saw Nuts Captain Planitz Collide knock the Horrors jammer Rainbow Crash out with a wicked shoulder hit, but Crash recovered and got lead jammer. Womanimal did a great job holding Crash back until she was sent to the box for making contact too far ahead of the pack.

The Horrors continued to chip away at the Nutcrackers’ lead, and by the end of the 31st jam the score was Nuts 135, Horrors 124 – an 11 point game, folks.

Captain Hook and Tiger Eye held back Slaughter while King was stuck in runbacks, but Slaughter broke through and tacked on five points to the Nuts’ lead.

Trauma and Fuzzta Rhymes worked together to hold back Wammy in the 34th.  In the 35th, King broke through very quickly and snuck in a few points before Slaughter caught up to her. With about fifteen minutes left in the game, the Nutcrackers were ahead by 12 points. Despite a hard-fought bout so far, neither team seemed tired and the jams were only getting more intense.

Both teams were getting more wary of the other team scoring points, and jams were being called off just as quickly as they begun. Despite awesome blocking by the Nuts, King sneaked down the inside line with Hayley Contagious knocking Nuts out of the way for her. One jam later the horrors reclaimed the lead! Helmed by lead jammer America Ferocious, they brought it up to 145-144!

In jam 40, once again we saw MC SlamHer on the jammer line next to Haddie Collider. This time the Nuts blockers steered Horrors all over the track and the Haddie got the lead back for them once more!

Badonkey Kong, Wild Boardom, Mandoline Slicer, and Planitz Collide formed a wall to hold Slamher back, but she powered through and scored twenty points, bringing the Horrors a healthy lead with only seven minutes to go.

Horrors Fuzzta Rhymes and Captain Hook kept Haddie Collider occupied while Crash raced around and scored nineteen points. After jam 45, the Horrors were up by forty points! 191-151.

Dottie, Reckless, and Hex formed a booty wall to keep Slamher back but once again she couldn’t be stopped from racking up three more points. Something both teams excelled at is regrouping after a jammer tears through their pack – the jammers really got a workout dealing with this tight defense.

The Nuts didn’t give up, and kept up with the Horrors, trading points for points in the last few jams of the night. As the clock wound down in the last jam, MC Slamher took lead jammer and casually called it off knowing her team had won.

The official final score for the Arkham Horrors vs. the Nutcrackers is 199-160. It was a hard-won game, and both teams showed off how much they’ve been practicing.



The Pissahs and the Cosmos both had a great night and got their hits in, but in the end the on-point Cosmonaughtie defense determined the fate of this bout.

The first Pissah pack featured Geena and Maully O’ffender on offense clearing the way for Gun Show, but Guns got sucked back into the pack and Hard Core pulled ahead, scoring the first 4 points of the game for the Cosmonaughties!

Truant of the Wicked Pissahs and Jackie KO of the Cosmos were neck and neck in the next jam, already we saw a difference between this and the earlier bout – these jammers aren’t letting jams go long, they’re calling them off to prevent the other team from scoring.

The teams traded a few points for the first jams, Elle winding through the pack of red Pissahs while Guns got caught in some nasty tumbles with the Cosmo blockers – the Pissah jammer made scoring passes, but because her jammer star was inside out, the Pissahs didn’t get any points.

Can anyone explain how Stevie Nixher manages to make jamming look so effortless, particularly when she’s up against an opposing jammer like Hard Core? Pissahs Evabyn Slapt, Fierce, Rock, and Lionheart did their part to hold Hard Core back during a power jam but the Cosmos still scored thirteen points, bringing the score to 30-2, Cosmos.

Jackie KO and Truant seemed to be taking turns getting lead jammer. For a few jams there nobody was scoring, but then Wicked Pissah Rock got called up to jam and boy, did she answer the call, smashing neatly through the blue pack, shortening the Cosmos’ lead to 33-6. Guns and Elle have very different styles so it was cool to see them jamming against each other. Up next, Celia Casket landed some mean hits on jammer Stevie Nixher, but Nixher stayed in bounds.

Next up, Space Invader earned lead jammer by turning on a dime to get past Rock, then pulled off the most beautiful apex jump of all time (OF ALL TIME!). Unfortunately for the Cosmos, Space went to the box shortly after and Guns racked up many delicious points in her absence. Cosmo blockers Koopa Troopa, Dirty Water, and Shayna Nestor put up a fight, tying up Gun Show in time for Space to return to the track and earn back some of those power jam points. The two-minute jam was exhausting just to watch, and the score rose to 51-31, Cosmos.

Low to the ground as always, Elle got lead jammer beating against the Pissah wall formed by Neurotic and Estrogeena Davis – and then Davis got the star pass!

Does anybody else get shivers when the announcer roars, “Haaaard Cooore!”? With her help, the Cosmos put up massive points, bringing it to 73-35 at the end of the 15th jam.

Geena picked up lead jammer while Smack and Slim Hurt’n kept She-Bear away from the picnic basket. Cosmos Phearsome and Bad-Ass Mama held the Pissah jammer back though, and Space took the star pass just in time to do some crazy skate acrobatics and score a few points – the Pissahs scored 10 and the Cosmos scored 21, bringing the score to 94-45, Cosmos.

The 17th Elle got a power jam and skated around doing whatever her heart desired, well, except for when she got pushed out of bounds by Rock.

A lot happened in jam 19, but announcer Maya Mangleyou said it best, “Neurotic gave Jackie KO the business.” Up next, Truant took lead jammer and jumped the apex, nearly landing on a Cosmo.

The Pissahs were getting lead jammer plenty, but not racking up points like the Cosmos – would they be able to come back? A Pissah star pass to Rock, and a Cosmo star pass to Celia Casket, and Jam 22 upped the ante – the Pissahs scored 8 points.

Hardcore bashed her way through the Pissah lines just before halftime, and the score came to 132-70.


Coming back from halftime, the jams came quick and low-scoring as neither team wanted to give up any points.  Pissah jammer Truant pulled just ahead of Cosmo jammer Celia Casket, working to minimize the Cosmos’ lead.

In the next jam, Cosmo Elle Elle Cool Jam and Pissah Stevie Nixher were so close, Stevie instigated some jammer-on-jammer action (everybody’s favorite kind of action), and the score rose to 139-79. Next, Rock and Gun Show snaked through the Cosmo pack and earned a few more. The Cosmo pack tightened up, though, and in jam 30 Truant came up against vicious defense while Elle scored against the Pissahs, despite excellent crowd control by Pissah blocker Maully and a knockout knock-out by Evabyn Slapt.

Celia Casket dived, ducked, dipped, dived, and dodged to gain lead jammer status and scored five points.

Not to be outdone, Nixher made an incredible apex jump, the fans went wild, and everything else on the track turned into a blur. What’s going on? Are we still playing roller derby? WHAT YEAR IS IT?? Oh right, it’s 2014 and the score is 149-90, Cosmos.

The Cosmos really worked the runbacks in this game, and the Pissahs’ jammer’s frustration was almost palpable. Hardcore outmaneuvered the Pissah Pack to rack up points in the 33rd jam, leaving the score 163-89.

Shayna Nestor and Artoo took turns trying to hit Pissah jammer Stevie Nixher out of bounds, but she kept bouncing back and gave Elle a run for her money in the 34th.

Next up, Hardcore carved her way across the track as lead jammer, and the score came up to 167-100.

Nixher took lead jammer once again, and she and Elle raced against each other with the pack moving unnaturally fast, for a second it looked like banked track derby. With just under fifteen minutes left in the game, the score was 175-113, Cosmonaughties.

Jam 38 started with the teams forming distinct packs between the jammer and pivot lines, and Rock rushed through the Cosmos to earn four sweet points for the Pissahs. This was an engaging game for the refs, who encountered lots of challenges and handled them with aplomb.

A star pass from Truant to Slapt, and then from Harcore to Shayna Nestor, quickly changed the face of jam 39. Slapt briefly power jammed, but it was the Cosmos who took the most points, moving the score up to 198-122.

The refs had all eyes on them during another official review – a good chance for us in the audience to make friends with our neighbors!

The Cosmonaughtie’s defense really shone in Jam 40, holding back the jammer while Shayna Nestor pulled ahead to widen the Cosmo’s lead.

Guns got a power jam in 42, racking up ten points, and up next Truant scored three more! Every time the Pissahs needed a big jam, Truant delivered.

The Cosmos answered back in jam 45 as Celia Casket charged ahead to gain the lead and a couple of points. With five minutes left in the game, the score was 212-146.

Next up we saw the slightly scary matchup of Hard Core vs. Rock, and it was anybody’s guess what would happen. Hard Core was hindered but ultimately not held back by the Pissah’s 4-wall, and she got lead jammer. The Cosmo blockers stayed very close together, while the Pissahs spread their forces across the track.

A few more jams, and a nice screen by Neurotic Tendency, where she used her body to lean on an opposing blocker and open up an alley for her jammer, brought the score to 239 to 150, Cosmos.

The last jam pitted Elle against TruantTruant took lead and had a great jam. Final Score: 242 to 158, Cosmonaughties!

Sept 13, 2014: Horrors vs Nuts, Cosmos vs Pissahs
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